So much ado about 'I DO'

I always contemplated which of the phrases ‘half-full’ or ‘half-empty tumbler’ best described my social life. During one spell, there was a deluge of events in rather quick succession that tempted me to label it as ‘just-a-few-leftover-drops-clinging-to-the-base’. After scoring out other conceivable possibilities, and a rather severe stretch of imagination I sniffed my deodorized armpits just to make sure even that was not behind the mass exodus of fellow beings from my social life. The only benefit though of being so meticulous was I could say with some degree of certainty which deodorant smelled tad better in comparison to another. I raked my brains for some answers, and it was rather intriguing to find out what amount of self realization can come to anyone subjected to forced solitude.

The first in the chain was when I heard N was undertaking an overnight bus journey, and coming to town on the pretext of attending a wedding. In reality N was willing to endurance-test an otherwise pampered bottom on the bumpy and sleepless journey because the original intent was different from the publicized one, and that was to be in town for my birthday… All the fun and excitement was washed away when I realized that my birthday was now celebrated a day in advance so I could be left ‘undisturbed for exclusive access’ on the fateful day. I don’t know if the bizarreness of the idea or the inflicted celebrations that followed suit stumped me more, while I crazed to put my finger on what might be the cause of such erratic behavior. All along I suspected N was schizophrenic the event did not confirm my doubts though, but my suspicion grew stronger for sure…

Time flew by and I kept wondering why I could not crack the mystery of people wanting to draw very thick lines on how far they could relate to me on emotional grounds, if at all they did. All along they had the unexplainable you-know-why expressions on… in reality I could not even vaguely guess what the fuss was all about..

I will never be able to say that the food scored over the bonding that grew between us over the several sprees where we binged on street food and chats. I found it hard that for some reason suddenly neither my emotional nor gastronomic cravings were being obliged like earlier. While I got over the lack of culinary delights.. I surely missed Ds closeness. I now had to beg and plead with D to go out with me…. the same D who until then would drag me out of whatever I was up to, at odd hours, and, on most days of the week…

I don’t know if I looked for these patterns or was it anything else that always highlighted it. In a few months’ time K came along… we shared common tastes and enjoyed each others company and conversations… At one point, where this rather platonic relationship teetered in the direction of becoming an emotionally engaging one… K raised the guard to reinforce a weakening will power that threatened to make a ‘sentimental pal’ out of K… It surely was a blow.. Realization was slowly dawning on me about what was behind all this misery…. I was not ready to name it yet, and for that reason pushed it again into the back of my mind..

On an otherwise very uneventful day.. after committing to a few moments of togetherness over some uninteresting dinner, R suddenly dropped plans. I don’t know if it was the hunger for food or for bonding that drove me to badger R for a justification… R tried to bring into perspective why it seemed inappropriate that I spend emotionally stimulating and fulfilling time with anyone anymore… While I agree the fact was not debatable… It seemed to me like I was an ignorant fool in being oblivious, when, I should have instead expected the world that I lived in all along to shut its doors on me so suddenly…

All these days, while I looked for answers everywhere.. it was all along right there, and, with me ….ALAS!!!! I had married!

The institution of marriage has unknowingly bred its police force that come in the form of your closest pals. Until the wedding vows are exchanged, they form your entire support system….. Soon after that, they elevate you to a special status (read as leaving you high and dry). I am at my wits end at trying to figure out if this behavior is indeed an insecurity that has a few hues of an ‘ required sacrifice’ as well?… In this rigmarole, the aforesaid sacrifice surely does not always leave the intended beneficiary feeling grateful or blessed. This process has an inherent design flaw visible even to the naked eye. It automatically incites painful thoughts of losing very dear friends. And, the pain only multiplies when it becomes apparent that the probability is even greater…How does one settle the conflict when the same set of people expect you to be around for them just like the good old days while not anymore saying it in as many words, also insist you to be with your spouse all the time so they can feel like they have done their bit by not demanding your time and attention any more. This conflict is further compounded by the belief that marriage makes two individuals one… while the truth is that the world by virtue of a seemingly unwritten code expects that after marriage one individual act like two?

Relationships are supposed to be all chemistry, and talking in chemical terms, I have begun to hope against hope that the special people I consider as my world do not decide to either individually or collectively, and, lesser so, on my behalf, hand me down a valence of just one…..it cannot be taken for granted!!

Glossary:
N, D, K, R - A few of my pals.. that are the only elements of beauty in my own little world … I cannot imagine life without them… and talking about it, I have left the ones out who thankfully so far haven’t displayed the behavioral disorder that is causing me so much grief…