People Profiles

On a recent vacation when we had camped at N’s house, both of us worked at a ‘break keyboard’ pace to finish the e-mail and attach relevant files and do the ALT+S function. The problem was compounded first by the either lethargic or totally uncooperative state owned service providers’ wireless network. I can’t say if it was coincidence, logic, or experience, or all of them, but both of us strongly believed that where the curiosity of the fairer sex is a player, it is best to nip it in the bud. In short, preventing them from getting sneak previews to the e-mail or them sensing our almost fanatic involvement in it was better than the possible cure of cooking up a story about it. Worse still would be the exercise of having to explain the facts…which kind of made up the second complication of that morning.

Just before the penultimate step of sending the mail off, my learning from the e-mail etiquette training kicked in a ‘pro moment’, and I double checked the contents and I opened the attachment.. lo and behold!!! I had just saved myself, N and the intended recipient an embarrassment of a lifetime. The carefully drafted resume that I expected to see began with the lines…. “I am stating the obvious….”. In less than a nanosecond, I realized it was from one of my earlier compositions for N… although for an entirely different purpose.

Now that is getting me started on what I have come to believe is one of the sublime purposes of why I am living this mortal life. I have become a consultant of sorts for both N & D. I have been bestowed the honor of being the profile writer for them whenever they think its time for them to seek out alliances.. both professional or matrimonial. Fortunately or unfortunately until now, writing, revamping, editing, and whatever else you could do with a profile which I probably cannot assign a verb to has been a pretty much perpetual affair. There are transient phases though, where I don’t meddle with them for a little under or over a month. Even if I search my deepest sentiments, I still can’t say for sure if I miss working them or if I hate not working on them.

Of course.. something as intricate, private, and demanding as profiling personalities does have its measures of success and challenges. One of the challenges that I always come across is how do I make these banal, the ‘I-know-inside-out’, guy/gal next door type individuals seem like the most eligible bachelor/spinster, as well as the most promising job applicants. And, all this only based on economically worded profiles… catch-22 indeed.

I am reserving the next two paragraphs to talk of the measures of success. They come in all forms of expression and desperation. For those of you who went through the ordeal of reading through “boneless chicken .. ” I must say, I cannot claim personal success for drafting the entire profile that attracted a confused individual. I did my bit though in trying to play God by getting the profile membership extended, that too as a birthday gift. Thinking about it in hindsight, it can very well top the list of worst birthday gifts ever given. Ns matrimonial profile has had erratic blips of success when a fish (alliance seeker, sibling, parent, uncle, aunt, friend…. ) takes the bait.. I have on occasions thought of putting the profile through litmus tests and almost suggested that the picture accompanying the profile be taken off to see if the biting fish actually bite into the hook. I realized though, whether it is the profile or the photographs that are more severe it is after all a package, and not exaggerated an ounce. Although, I must say the photograph is the most presentable in the several that we have of N. It has evidently gotten professional help at the hands of A, whose passion is wildlife photography and bird watching. And, A apparently spent about 5 lacs on the contraption. Despite all the fineness and presentability, I am sure that the person in the photograph is indeed N.

Now comes the second part which I enjoy better because the results of the profiles have not been as depressing or inconclusive as the matrimonial ones. D got a new job.. and I can claim considerable credit in influencing the profile. N had a better strike rate with the new and improved profile. Going all the way, I made a guinea pig of myself on this front with a 100% strike rate at getting job offers. This convinced me that the profiles indeed were competitive and of good standard. I have built a fan following when I actually got R requesting me to work up a profile. The impact of the final product was so drastic that I almost got a bear hug from R, constrained severely though only because of the elements of decency of self expression and decorum in the office space.

I must say.. my prayers with care… I bode everyone good and wish everyone of my pals get the best jobs ever. I bode the same for their marriages as well. What worries me sometimes is that if my authorship through any remote chance gets someone a bad job… they can change that…. I sincerely pray that does not happen with the matrimonial space though.

N… in hindsight I owe you an apology for that day when I mistakenly attached your matrimonial profile to a recruiter of the same sex as you…. While I am not prejudiced about same sex associations, I evidently cannot speak for everyone else. Considering the success rate of the matrimonial profiles I have authored versus the professional ones I did, I tend to wonder ceaselessly what the end result would have been had I not taken that fateful moment to recheck the attachment. Thank God for small mercies indeed!!

GLORY!! OR GORY!!

If I were actually writing this the traditional way with a pen or pencil.. the pressure to put it together would probably have fetched me a broken nib tip. The few folks that read the thoughts I put together have on more than one occasion since the start of this month inquired about whether I had given up blogging. For some reason I think they secretly hope I have given it up for good. And now, for lack of anything else to write about, I thought why not play along and change this pressure back to the pleasure it is supposed to be.

It seems to be a trend that is catching on anyone that has access to any form of internet technology. Creativity is getting a new boost. It is now a contest to see who can pour their hearts out most creatively. Aesthetically constructed sentences can make the occurrence of something as crude as picking ones nose in public seem melodramatic, melancholic and a life turning event.

Penning thoughts random or otherwise (a.k.a blogging) requires the faculties of cognizance, and expression in equal and great measure. It is these very faculties (or rather the lack of them) that lend a commercial viability on which the trades of agony aunts and practicing counselors flourish. On that note, I sometimes fancy the thought that this might be a reversal of fortunes for people engaged in these trades. Of course these very faculties when imbalanced lead to over enlightened individual or to over expressive ones… which intended or otherwise sometimes tickle the funny bone, and very often make readers lose sight of the shore.

There are a few who like to be subtle in their expressions, and a lot more whose modus operandi is ‘confuse if cannot convince’. This platform is just so perfect for all these sorts amongst a few more. You can get the flavors of a la Rang De Basanti, Taare Zameen Par and the sorts of Saawariya all in the same composition. There are people penning thoughts that skim the essence so much that you get the feel that they must be individuals that value privacy to the point of being reclusive.. otherwise what else might explain why on earth would an entire purported prose sound from the beginning to the end, and all throughout like a preface? And then there are some others that write so prolifically about anything under the sun. These types make their audience feel like the scum of the earth for either not knowing anything about something or should I say not knowing something about anything!!!??

In the melee, I wonder what happened to the good old days of keeping a diary? After reading several posts, I now have nightmares of a day when someone publishes an autobiography of a deemed famous blogger. Worse still, what if it were to be put together by piecing together some of the posts? As if it couldn’t get better, I also worry what if that individual had greatly imbalanced faculties? I cant seem to stem the onslaught of more horrific thoughts coming to me now. Should that be called GLORY!! or GORY!!