Memories of Park Lane

There was the distinct sound of city traffic streaming through the connection. The one word responses from the other end did not lose their purpose, to which, I promptly asked if I was being a ‘bore’ factor. A monosyllabic “hmmm” resonated into my ears through the handset. This “non word” will probably be etched in my memory as the longest and deepest anti response to a gesture that I seek the most, companionship. With reference to the context, long paragraphs could be written up to dissect the contents of the “hmmm’. The reluctance to acknowledge it as a response was probably why the utterance made its impact a few minutes after the call had been disconnected.

In attempting to trace a precedent, I could only think of a very recent overnight sleepless train ride. What that had achieved, was of course a few hours where we met and spoke, amongst several others. The hurried trip to the Van Heusen outlet at the up market Park Lane gratified my overpowering desire to do the best for the central character of the occasion (or maybe for the central character and for the occasion). I say “central character”, because no other factor justifies my presence in another city about 500 Kms from home that day.

We engaged 4 natural pairs of eyes, (not counting the plastic/glass prosthetics that were on two of those pairs) in addition to mobile camera technology. There was no excuse for faltering on this project. There was satisfaction while exiting the store that the purchase will live up to its purpose. After dropping off the happy package where it belonged the rest of the day was spent in relative oblivion.

It was late evening when we arrived at the venue. On first glance I realized what had seemed like a consensus in the afternoon was probably disguised compromise. The absence of the “common choice” apparel did not diminish the wearers appeal. Nevertheless, I dug deeper into myself and wanted to know, whether it was our lack of fashion sense, versus my singular and overpowering emotions about always wanting the best for a certain someone that had ironically made an alternate choice of apparel more appealing?

Our enquiring glances did get something of an honest-modest, though technically a non-response. At that point unwilling to process any more thoughts, my mind went into a standby mode. When I logged back in there sometime later during that long day, I found myself attempting to build a new relationship model. The dialog box that had opened up read:

“Your attempt to gratify a loved one has been fatally aborted. The system has identified that there can be two possible causes to this: 1) Your affection knows no bounds and so you don’t know where to stop 2) You try too hard
If you want to erase this and all related files from the registry permanently please click Cancel. If you wish to continue, please shed a few tears and then click OK. You will be prompted to add a few *.inhibition files. Please choose the “install” option when the dialog box appears”

No prizes for guessing what option I chose. The most loathsome of the inhibitions I have added is the one that has made me disenchanted of initiating a conversation or participating in it. I fear that another “hmmm” will irretrievably damage the sense of belonging I so cherish now. While I wallow in my miseries, my logical being is reprimanding me for being too emotional. What tears me apart is the irony of the matter, in that, my emotional side is questioning the logic of the monosyllabic “hmmm”.

I now consciously fear the expressions and manifestations of the ever growing affection I have for this individual. I feel sorry that the choice of the clothes did not keep up the pride with which they were selected.. and sorrier still that I am being a bore. It feels like I have inflicted myself on your persona, and I only now have realized you deserve better.. much better. As far as I can help it, you will surely get it.